Toronto Maple Leafs: The Roast of the Atlantic Division

LAS VEGAS, NV - JUNE 21: Auston Matthews of the Toronto Maple Leafs poses after winning the Calder Memorial Trophy (Rookie of the Year) during the 2017 NHL Awards and Expansion Draft at T-Mobile Arena on June 21, 2017 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
LAS VEGAS, NV - JUNE 21: Auston Matthews of the Toronto Maple Leafs poses after winning the Calder Memorial Trophy (Rookie of the Year) during the 2017 NHL Awards and Expansion Draft at T-Mobile Arena on June 21, 2017 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
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BOSTON, MA – FEBRUARY 10: Tyler Seguin
BOSTON, MA – FEBRUARY 10: Tyler Seguin

Boston Bruins

Notable Adds: Basically nobody.

Notable Losses: Dominic Moore, John-Michael Liles, The youth of their core.

The Bruins are old. Like, really old. Zdeno Chara is 40. David Backes is 33. David Krejci is 32. Saddled with such an aging core, you would think that Boston would immediately seek to lock up their most dynamic young player, right? Wrong!

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Instead, Don Sweeny spent the entire summer low balling David Pastrnak. In true Boston spirit, were Sweeny a member of the “Good Will Hunting” crew, he’d totally be Casey Affleck. Throwing a 3rd round pick away to get Zach Rinaldo wasn’t exactly “wicked smaaaaht“. How do you like them apples, Don?

Now, I can’t bring up the Bruins without mentioning how bad Peter Chiarelli’s tenure as GM was. You know how there’s a group of famous celebrities that all died at age 27? That’s kind of what it’s like being a 21 year old on the Bruins. Except instead of dying, these guys actually get a new lease on life when they leave Boston.

The casualties of the “21 Club” include, two-time Stanley Cup Champion Phil Kessel, first pairing defenceman Dougie Hamilton, and 4-Time NHL All Star Tyler Seguin. Isn’t it weird that each of these players, who have experienced great success since being traded, were dealt because of “character issues”? Boston, I’m going to tell you what the world should have told Taylor Swift years ago: “it’s not them, it’s you”.

Oh, and the Bruins finally bought out Jimmy Hayes in June. Did you know that Hayes happened to be the lone remaining piece from the package Boston received in return for Seguin? That’s hilarious. Why do we let Boston have nice things?

Closing Credits

Next: Top Five Leafs Ready to Crack Lineup

And there you have it. Now that you’ve made it to the end, feel free to return to a life of making “1967” jokes until your hearts content. In reading this, you’ve certainly earned it.