Toronto Maple Leafs: The NHL All-Star Game Is the Perfect Event

The Toronto Maple Leafs will only be represented by Mitch Marner at today’s all-star game.

The Toronto Maple Leafs should be represented by at least John Tavares and William Nylander as well, but aren’t.

Why not? The league is dumb, that’s why.  They take their Leafs for granted, while trying to sell to Americans who don’t even really care.

You know who cares? We do.

I watched the skills comp last night, and it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I was once in a Gin Blossoms Cover Band.  I don’t know a lot, but I know this: the way to develop your players personalities is not making them act horrible in terrible skits.

The announcers were forced to analyze stupid gimmicks and it didn’t seem fun at all.

Far be it for me to tell the NHL what to do, but I would suggest they try focusing on the actual skills and built the supplementary entertainment with actual entertainers. Just  a thought.

As for today’s All-Star Game, here is what I think will happen.

Toronto Maple Leafs Free (Nearly) All Star Game Preview

Each team will play a three on three on game of an arbitrary length tied to another player like at a company picnic three-legged race.

Each pair of players will be given a nine-foot stick and a potato.  Whoever scores four times and eats their potato without tearing their ACL wins the game.

After that, an artist that was contemporary when the producer of the game was 14 will come out and play a song through a PA they borrowed from a local high-school.  Joining the illustrious ranks of Chaka Khan and (we assume) Kid Rock, will be an alt-rock super-group with Moby fronting the remaining members of Limp Bizkit, Korn and Pappy Roach will perform in a bizarre tribute to Wham!. 

After that, Cabbie on the Street will don a sumo-suit and fight Rick the Temp from Much Music, with the winner getting a sweet guest hosting spot on Jono-Vision. 

Just kidding.

That is an all-star game I’d actually watch. Today what you’ll see in stead is a bunch of players scoring sweet goals while trying not to get injured.

This is all low hanging fruit, to be honest. The NHL is so bad at entertainment that they almost always embarrass themselves and  making fun of them is too easy.

You can’t blame them about the actual game though – it’s pretty hard to make a game that is mostly about throwing your groin or your teeth in front of a 100 MPH piece of vulcanized rubber into a fun exhibition.

There is a reason Slayer doesn’t have an album of acoustic covers, you know what I’m saying?