Toronto Maple Leafs Must Trade for Patrick Maroon At All Costs

The Toronto Maple Leafs should have one priority this offseason, and that is to acquire Patrick Maroon.

Sure, the Toronto Maple Leafs need a goalie, and they’ve got some No-Trade Clauses to deal with, a new goalie coach to sign and dozens of other things to do.

But none of those is going to get you a Stanley Cup.

So go out, and buy yourself a Patrick Maroon, because that is, apparently, the only way to win one.

Toronto Maple Leafs Must Maroon

The NHL’s most valuable player is not Auston Matthews, and it sure as heck isn’t Igor Shesterkin or Connor McDavid.  Do you see any of those chumps taking annual vacations with the Stanley Cup?

No? Me neither.

But every summer, for the last fifteen years or so (or so it seems) Pat Maroon takes the his hometown of St. Louis where, one assumes, he hangs out with Jonathan Franzen and Nelly, arguing about who is the king of the city, and eating Count Chocula out of everyone’s favorite trophy.

As the Lightning advance again to the Stanley Cup Finals, the fourth actual trip to the NHL’s most glorious playoff round in a row for Patrick Maroon (who first won with the Blues), we must ask ourselves what is so special about a guy who’s career high in goals is 27, a feat he is six seasons removed from performing.

Somehow a guy who hasn’t topped 30 points in the last five years, who has never scored more than three playoff goals in any season, is the magical talisman that makes hockey teams win Stanley Cups.

In fact, Maroon goes to the Finals so often I had to double check just to make sure New Jersey didn’t actually win the Cup in his only season there.  It seemed more probably that a Mandela Effect occurred, and that the Devils, and not the Capitals, as I had remembered it, were the Cup winners that year, rather than see a year Marron didn’t win the Cup.

As far as I know, he might have won every Cup, ever.

Maroon is to winning as  Wayne Gretzky is to urinating on his legacy.

So if the Toronto Maple Leafs are serious about wining they will throw picks and prospects at the Lightning until they agree to relinquish Patrick Maroon.  What’s it going to take? Three First Rounders? Ten?  Sandin, Lingren, Nylander and Five Firsts? Make it happen, bro.

How about Mitch Marner, straight up for Patrick Maroon, who can then strap on the pads and be the new Leafs goalie.

Go Team!