Reviewing the Toronto Maple Leafs Trade Deadline Performance
By Andrew Kogut
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
OUT: Raddysh, Katchouk, 1st, 1st, Joseph, Morand, of Tom Brady’s shadow
IN: Hagel, Paul, 4th, 4th, Melnichuk, Nash, Tom Brady’s shadow again
Two firsts for Hagel, a late-round pick with 21 goals on over 22% shooting this year following 9 in 52 the previous year? Couldn’t TB have…wait for it…Hagel’d the price down a bit?
This transaction reminds me of the tea I had at Timmies the other day: steep. Tampa’s draft capital now consists of what Seinfeld said when the Calvin Klein model broke up with him: “no pick.” I haven’t seen a fleece this big since Andre the Giant went winter-weather shopping.
Seriously though, it’s hard to make fun of a team with consecutive Cup wins, particularly as a Leafs fan, but I’ll keep trying: this is the worst deal since the Louisiana Purchase. Worst purchase since….the Louisiana Purchase. Two history puns in a row. Speaking of history, enjoy the 20/21 Cup wins, Tampa. Worst cups since hick…Now I’m stretching…
FINAL SCORE:
On a scale of former Tampa Bay Devil Ray Vinny Castilla to former Tampa Bay Devil Ray Randy Winn, the Tampa Bay Lightning score: Yep, you guessed it, former Tampa Bay Devil Ray Quinton McCracken
FLORIDA PANTHERS
OUT: Vatrano, Smilanic, Tippett, 1st, 1st, 3rd, 4th, 6th, Science, mask-wearing
IN: Giroux, Chariot, Rubtsov, Bunnaman, Hagg, 5th, gluttony
So I googled “Florida man” and my birthdate (a great game that is family friendly and will provide hours and hours of hilarity) and this is the headline that immediately showed up in the search results: ‘Florida man arrested for beating and throwing chair at child in doughnut dispute’
The headline features so many unanswered questions. Did the man beat the chair, the child, or both? What doughnut was the cause of the dispute? (My guess is honey cruller, but the apple fritter certainly can get up to some trouble if it feels so inclined, and don’t get me started on the now-defunct walnut crunch!) What kind of chair was thrown? Stool or metal? So much suspense!
Oh yea, and the Panthers are stacked. Granted the last time Chariot was useful was when actual Chariots were the common mode of transport but nice roster.
FINAL SCORE:
On a scale of throwing a chair at a child in a doughnut dispute to Florida man ends a police standoff for a slice of pizza (a story a few results down), the Florida Panthers score: Florida man calls police to verify his meth is authentic