Reviewing the Toronto Maple Leafs Trade Deadline Performance
The 2021-2022 NHL trade deadline has come and gone quicker than an opposing NHL team can snatch a Toronto Maple Leafs player off of waivers (*sigh, we hardly knew you, Harri Sateri).
While there have been numerous sports articles analyzing the alleged “winners” and “losers” of the deadline, the reality of the situation is that none of these moves makes a lick of difference until the NHL playoffs are said and done (and giving grades for deadline deals is tantamount to reviewing a television series half an hour into the first episode).
But that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun with the deadline. It was a very interesting day, filled with barrages of picks tossed nonchalantly, quality prospects moved and talking heads shouting over each other for hours on end. No, there hasn’t been verbal assaults like this since a hungry Phil Kessel visited a closed hot-dog stand.
So in an effort to distance myself from the infallible “hot takes” permeating most of the grades and analysis pieces out there, I am going to take a completely arbitrary and absurd look at how some of the contenders in the East fared at the trade deadline.
Remember, each grade is based on a multitude of factors that are completely arbitrary, mostly absurd, and, perhaps, a little disturbing. Please enjoy!
TRADE DEADLINE REVIEW
Washington Capitals
OUT: Sprong, 3rd, 4th, 6th, mentioning anything Russian
IN: Johansson, Larsson, association with everything Swedish
Man, those are some Swede deals for the Caps! Johnansson can’t seem to get away from Washington; it’s almost as if he has Stockholm syndrome. Sadly the Capitals didn’t acquire a Swedish defenseman, but Carlson could be a potential Norse trophy candidate. Washington didn’t give too much up in either deal but it’s probably too early to krona them deadline champions.
FINAL SCORE:
On a scale of Swedish cities from lowest population (Karlshamn) to highest (Stockholm), the Washington Capitals score: Jonkoping
Boston Bruins
OUT: 1st, 2nd, 2nd, 5th, Moore, Vaakanainen, Senyshyn, Trevor Story (thumb booboo)- indefinite
IN: Lindholm, Curran, Brown, 7th,
Coming soon to Netflix, a gritty new cop series that will leave viewers on the edge of their seats: “Lindholm Is Where the Heart Is”
Young detective Hampus Lindholm transferred from a small department in Helsinborg, Sweden to the bustling Boston PD, on the trail of the man who stole his Swedish fish collection. Hampus is Hampured by feelings of homesickness, depression and crippling sugar withdrawals (what with his entire Swedish fish Armory now depleted).
In Boston he partners up with another fresh-faced detective, Charlie MacAvoy, and together the two cops, one by the book the other a total d-bag, learn to work together and, more importantly, learn the true meaning of friendship but, even more importantly, learn the true meaning of Christmas. Coming December 2022, airing right after Brad Marchand’s bird-watching camera show: “Cheep Shots.”
FINAL SCORE:
On a scale of real names that sounds fake on the Bruins current roster from Anton Blidh to Jesper Froden, the Boston Bruins score: Jack Studnicka
TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING
OUT: Raddysh, Katchouk, 1st, 1st, Joseph, Morand, of Tom Brady’s shadow
IN: Hagel, Paul, 4th, 4th, Melnichuk, Nash, Tom Brady’s shadow again
Two firsts for Hagel, a late-round pick with 21 goals on over 22% shooting this year following 9 in 52 the previous year? Couldn’t TB have…wait for it…Hagel’d the price down a bit?
This transaction reminds me of the tea I had at Timmies the other day: steep. Tampa’s draft capital now consists of what Seinfeld said when the Calvin Klein model broke up with him: “no pick.” I haven’t seen a fleece this big since Andre the Giant went winter-weather shopping.
Seriously though, it’s hard to make fun of a team with consecutive Cup wins, particularly as a Leafs fan, but I’ll keep trying: this is the worst deal since the Louisiana Purchase. Worst purchase since….the Louisiana Purchase. Two history puns in a row. Speaking of history, enjoy the 20/21 Cup wins, Tampa. Worst cups since hick…Now I’m stretching…
FINAL SCORE:
On a scale of former Tampa Bay Devil Ray Vinny Castilla to former Tampa Bay Devil Ray Randy Winn, the Tampa Bay Lightning score: Yep, you guessed it, former Tampa Bay Devil Ray Quinton McCracken
FLORIDA PANTHERS
OUT: Vatrano, Smilanic, Tippett, 1st, 1st, 3rd, 4th, 6th, Science, mask-wearing
IN: Giroux, Chariot, Rubtsov, Bunnaman, Hagg, 5th, gluttony
So I googled “Florida man” and my birthdate (a great game that is family friendly and will provide hours and hours of hilarity) and this is the headline that immediately showed up in the search results: ‘Florida man arrested for beating and throwing chair at child in doughnut dispute’
The headline features so many unanswered questions. Did the man beat the chair, the child, or both? What doughnut was the cause of the dispute? (My guess is honey cruller, but the apple fritter certainly can get up to some trouble if it feels so inclined, and don’t get me started on the now-defunct walnut crunch!) What kind of chair was thrown? Stool or metal? So much suspense!
Oh yea, and the Panthers are stacked. Granted the last time Chariot was useful was when actual Chariots were the common mode of transport but nice roster.
FINAL SCORE:
On a scale of throwing a chair at a child in a doughnut dispute to Florida man ends a police standoff for a slice of pizza (a story a few results down), the Florida Panthers score: Florida man calls police to verify his meth is authentic
CAROLINA HURRICANES
IN: Domi, Inamoto, Toronto’s face (Andersen 2.06, .928)
OUT: Hreschuk, Korshkov, no picks after 2022 (every single pick is in tact, and wow, what a roster)
There once was a goalie named Fred
Some days he would stand on his head
A gift from the heavens
But wait, on game sevens
He inherently ****’s the bed
Pop quiz: 1st round, Leafs/Canes, game 7- Who gets the win, Andersen or Campbell?
If you answered Reimer, correct.
FINAL SCORE:
On a scale of 1st year Hurricane last year Leaf Trevor Kidd to 1st year Hurricane last year Leaf Bates Battaglia, the Carolina Hurricanes score: 1st year Hurricane, last year Leaf Jeff O’Neill
TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS
IN: Giordano, Blackwell, intense bouts of pessimism, trepidation and skepticism
OUT: 2nd, 2nd, 3rd, in the 1st round (amirite????!)
So the Toronto Maple Leafs added Giordano, 38 years old, and Colin Blackwell, who is about to turn 29. 38+29=67, which is none other than Robert Svehla’s former number. Not only that, 67 was the last year the Leafs won the Cup and if you recall, George Armstrong, number 10, was the captain of that Cup-winning team. So 67+10=77, Paul Coffey’s famous number.
However, Coffey wore 7 in Edmonton, so 77-7=70. 70 is the jersey number of U of T G Alex Bishop, who filled in for Mrazek when the latter tore his groin earlier this year. Thus I can say without a doubt that the Leafs won the trade deadline and will ride Bishop to a Cup win this year. It’s almost too bang on not to believe.
FINAL SCORE:
If Jeff Farkas = D, Luca Caputi = F and Nik Antropov = B-, then the Toronto Maple Leafs score: Christian Hanson, 1/2 Mike Craig and 1/4 Bill Derlago.
Next. Leafs Win in Mark Giordano's Debut. dark
For an actual recap of the trade deadline and a break from all of this nonsense, check out this analysis.