Toronto Maple Leafs GM Fantasy Zoom Team Chat

Kyle Dubas, General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs (Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)
Kyle Dubas, General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs (Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images) /

Well it looks like things are beginning to heat up in Toronto Maple Leafs Land.

With the Seattle Kraken Expansion draft looming (July 21st), the Toronto Maple Leafs picked up forward Jared McCann from the Pittsburgh Penguins Saturday in exchange for prospect Filip Hallander (previously acquired from Pittsburgh in the Kasperi Kapanen trade) and a 2023 7th-round pick.

McCann could be a potential Zach Hyman replacement on one of the two top-six left wing vacancies, or perhaps a third-line centre, and brings only a modest increase (approximately 700K) on Hyman’s 2020-2021 cap hit. That is, of course, if Seattle doesn’t nab him in the draft, as both him and Alexander Kerfoot have been left exposed.

After the expansion draft comes the entry draft on July 23rd, where the Toronto Maple Leafs own just 2nd, 5th and 6th-round selections (followed by free agency on July 28th). While Dermott is a possibility, it will most likely be McCann or Kerfoot lost in the expansion draft. Regardless of which player is ultimately selected by Seattle; however, Toronto still has a pretty big hole at the third-line centre position. And with more than a few holes to fill this offseason, Kyle Dubas is going to be a pretty busy guy.

But all of that work on the horizon didn’t stop Dubas from holding an online video meeting with a few Toronto Maple Leafs players and staff recently talking about the current status of the team, what to look at going forward, and other miscellaneous topics. Amazingly and fortunately enough, I was able to get a transcript of this meeting* and will share the account on the following page.

Enjoy fans and Go Leafs Go!

*Said meeting never actually happened and is a fictitious account by the author in an exaggerated attempt to poke fun at the alleged big-four and analytics problems plaguing this disappointing Leafs squad.

 Toronto Maple Leafs GM Fake Zoom Meeting Transcript

KYLE DUBAS: Thanks for the few of you joining me here today. First and foremost, I want to congratulate everyone for the spectacular analytical season you fellas put together this year! You guys really crushed the advanced stats component of the NHL season. Bravo. And the playoffs- Just wow! We dominated Montreal in all of the advanced metrics. Expected goals for; expected goals against; expected goals for percentage; all just top- notch, guys. Of course, as expected, we immediately lost in the first round.

Dubas clears his throat as scattered coughs ring out.

KD: Now down to business. I was hoping to check in with everyone and see how things are progressing. Does anyone have any offseason updates or news that they would like to share? Yes, Auston?

AUSTON MATTHEWS: Hey boss. Yea, I just wanted to let you know that I have already started growing a thinner, creepier moustache. It should be ready for October.

KD: Okay…Well…I know Lou is gone so the policies are pretty lax now but…the guys and I were kinda hoping, Auston, that you might…uhh…shave off….or, at least, thicken-out that stache a bit…if possible?

AM: No problem Boss. Gonna make sure this thing is as thin and creepy as possible. Hearing ya loud and clear, Dubes.

KD: Right…Umm…does anyone else have anything to share? Yes, Ilya, go ahead.

ILYA MIKHEYEV: Mr. Dubas I would like to share that I have been working non-stop on perfecting my breakaways and am pleased to announce that I am now scoring at a 50% rate!

KD: Wow, that’s great Ilya! Who do you have playing in goal for your attempts?

IM: Oh. Yea, I probably should be putting somebody in net.

Dubas rubs a hand over both eyes and scratches his chin. He forces a bright smile.

KD: Just keeping working on that then Ilya. Okay, so I’ve been looking at a few areas where we need to improve and I think that, going forward, it would be neccess-

MITCH MARNER: Oh oh oh oh Mr. Mr. Mr. Dubbbas?

KD: What is it Mitch?

MM: My daddy says that I’ve..that I’ve..grown (Marner raises his fingers slightly apart) this much since the end of skatey season!!

KD: That’s fantastic Mitch-

MM: And and and he said, dad said, that I could get a Playstation 5 if I’m a really good boy for this interview, am I being a good boy??

KD: Yes Mitch, you’re being very good. Moving along, if we could focus on the positives from last season and really start to take things to the next level…Oh, Willie, did you want to add something?

WILLIAM NYLANDER:  Yes, and apologies Kyle, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ve been meaning to tell you that I think I can use my playoff performance as inspiration to take my game to the next level and I thank you for-

William Nylander has been temporarily muted by Sheldon Keefe

SHELDON KEEFE: Sorry Kyle but Willie has to learn not to interrupt and hopefully he can grow from this lesson.

KD: It’s fine Sheldon, I mean it’s not like he’s the only one inter-

MM: Oh oh oh, Mr. Duubassss, my daddy says that I should demand to play power play units 1 and 2, he says I deserve all of the minutes, ok ok Mr. Duubass?

KD: (sighs) Yes Mitch, we are all aware of your father’s demands.

Sounds of shock, horror and surprise suddenly fill the air as Auston Matthews aims a close-up of his webcam to his face.

AM: See Mr. Dubas, this is the look I’m going for with my moustache; think John Waters mixed with ‘Fargo’ Steve Buscemi but waaaaay more unsettling.

KD: (eyes bulging) That’s…that’s horrifying, Auston.

WN: Come on guys, Auston should be allowed to-

William Nylander has been temporarily muted by Sheldon Keefe

SK: Sorry Kyle, thought Willie cut you off there at the last second.

KD: No, he didn’t Sheldon, and really, you’re going to have to start learning from your mistakes. Didn’t those losses against Columbus and then the very similar ones against Montreal teach you anything?

SK: Sorry Kyle, I vow to do better and learn from my mistakes going forward.

JACK CAMPBELL: Aw, that’s so sweet. Peace and love everyone, I appreciate everything that every single person on this team has done for me, I am truly blessed.

WN: Yes, I too feel blessed t-

William Nylander has been temporarily muted by Sheldon Keefe

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KD: Alright, I’m done! Thanks for this guys and let’s look forward to a playoff series win in 2022. I have the draft coming up next week so I have to start circling all the players who are shorter than 5’10 and less than 190lbs. Cheers!

Kyle Dubas has ended the video call