Toronto Maple Leafs: Hard-To-Swallow Pills For Every NHL Fanbase

Toronto Maple Leafs fans, take notes.

The Toronto Maple Leafs fanbase is divided.

It’s a unique situation across all major sports. Every hockey fan seems to have an opinion about the Leafs, they either love them or love to hate them. And within our fanbase, there is a clear split between the “toughness first, trade Nylander, back-in-my-day” crowd and the (usually younger) “skill-above-all, analytics matter” crowd.

And then there are folks like me, who see the positives of both sides and try to keep the peace while stating just how dumb the divide really is.

I wanted to talk just about that, while also reminding everyone that instead of tearing each other down, there are 31 other fanbases that are hoping for nothing but the Toronto Maple Leafs completely failing in this bold new approach to building a team.

Below you’ll find some hot takes and (good-natured) ribbing about all 32 NHL teams (Seattle doesn’t get a free pass just because they don’t properly exist yet). I organized the teams by division, using the realignment that’s been proposed for a couple of seasons from now, once the 32nd team is established.

Most of my “criticisms” are directed towards the teams themselves, but some go to the respective fanbases. All of them, with exception to the Toronto Maple Leafs segment, should not be taken too seriously. Most of it is in the interest of good fun and stoking up the competitive flames that have petered out over the long break in play. Without further ado, let’s begin.

Pacific Division

Anaheim Ducks: Everyone kinda stopped caring about you as soon as the team dropped the affiliation with the Mighty Ducks movies.

Calgary Flames: I’m 28 years late to the party here, but the Doug Gilmour trade? Absolute fleecing by the Leafs.

Edmonton Oilers: Let’s take a quick look at the future. The crystal ball is showing me a date… July 1, 2026, I see Connor McDavid and… is that a Leafs jersey he’s wearing? Huh, that’ll go over well in Edmonton I’m sure.

Los Angeles Kings: Drew Doughty is ridiculously overpaid for a guy who went from “the best defenseman in the league” to a player who has a negative effect on his team’s performance in almost every shift now.

San Jose Sharks: You botched the Karlsson trade. Big time. Instead of a young superstar-in-the-making 3rd overall pick, you get the declining years of Erik Karlsson’s career for… *checks notes* 11 million per year!?

Vancouver Canucks: The burning hate you feel towards Toronto and the Leafs is a one-way street. They don’t consider you rivals, like, at all. You’re in completely different conferences, I don’t get it.

Vegas Golden Knights: That Game 7 major penalty against the Sharks was justified. Instead of complaining about it, they should have simply killed the penalty. Despite that, you have the nicest jerseys in the league (next to the Leafs of course).

NHL Seattle: Announce the damn team name already! We all know it’s the Kraken, why are you being so coy?

Central Division

Arizona Coyotes: So, explain it to me again, why exactly is Auston Matthews going to leave the mecca of hockey? Why would he willing leave a team who will be perennial contenders for the next decade or more, for a team that doesn’t sell out their arena except for the one night a season that he visits?

Chicago Blackhawks: With everything happening in the world today, don’t you think it’s time to update the logo to be a little less racist? I’d suggest changing the team name, but I don’t wanna be burned at the stake by rabid traditionalists.

Colorado Avalanche: The Rocky Mountain Extreme would’ve been a better name. It’s dumb, yeah, but think of the puns.

Dallas Stars: Jamie Benn has a personal view that is too NSFW for me to directly reference. I just want to say that he is wrong. If you know you know, if you don’t, Google it on your own time.

Minnesota Wild: For the “State of Hockey” this is a pretty boring team. Literally, everything is a snooze fest. The play, the team name, the colors, the fact that they retired a number for the fans. I literally forget they’re in the league most of the time.

Nashville Predators: Raise another banner that says “Most Pointless Banners.”

St. Louis Blues: The Cup doesn’t happen without the Buffalo Sabres making one of the stupidest trades in the history of the NHL, which says more about them than you, but nevertheless.

Winnipeg Jets: Matthews and Laine were never comparable. Matthews is the superior player in every way imaginable. Let it go.

Atlantic Division

Boston Bruins: This is not about any of the Game 7’s, I’m just telling it like it is. The Bruins nourish a culture of developing “low-key dirty” players. And they get away with it because the league is in Jeremy Jacobs’ pocket. We all know it.

Buffalo Sabres: Do you really think anything is going to improve with the organization now that the Pegula’s “yes man” is the GM? Eichel’s probably gonna request a trade next season.

Detroit Red Wings: You didn’t get “screwed” at the Draft Lottery, but keep whining about it, it’s a good look, seriously.

Florida Panthers: I could get really venomous here for some personal reasons, but in the interest of keeping it light: The only reason this team with no fans hasn’t been relocated and re-branded as the Quebec Nordiques 2.0 is that they’re a tax write-off for the league.

Montreal Canadiens: Carey Price is in decline. He stopped being the best goalie in the league right around the time Auston Matthews made his appearance. And that contract is untradeable, so have fun in cap hell.

Ottawa Senators: Eugene Melnyk will not go quietly into the night. He’s here forever and he’ll definitely continue to refuse to pay his stars what they’re worth.

Tampa Bay Lightning: The rest of the league are never gonna let you live down getting swept by Colombus, or the team’s response to it.

That leaves us with just one more team.

Toronto Maple Leafs

There are four “hot takes” listed below. Whether you’re a part of the “old-school” camp or the “new school” camp, some of these are gonna be hard to take, but it needs to be said.

William Nylander is an elite power forward. Stop including him in your silly trade proposals. He’s found the perfect role that makes him one of the best players on this team. His contract is a steal for the value he provides and the Toronto Maple Leafs are lucky to have him.

Kyle Dubas is here to stay. Noted tough guy Brendan Shanahan has put his full vote of confidence behind the whiz kid. If he didn’t believe in Dubas, it would have been him who got fired in November and Babcock would still be the head coach. So if you are among the “fans” who spew hatred and vitriol towards the GM because he’s not a “traditional hockey man”… maybe it’s time to go find a new team? I hear the Rangers are taking applications for fans who can’t get beyond old, outdated ways of thinking.

The Leafs are not getting Alexis Lafreniere. No team in their right mind is “throwing” the playoffs just for a slim chance at being awarded the rights to draft the very skilled winger, especially not Toronto, who completely lose their first-round draft pick in the event that they do not win the Lafreniere Lottery. It’s fun to taunt other teams with the possibility though.

Lastly, defense handedness is overrated. St. Louis aside, the list of recent Stanley cup winners who had a perfect mix of left and right-handed defensemen is basically nonexistent. It’s a lazy narrative that needs to stop here, particularly with the rumors that the NHL will be keeping the salary cap flat for a couple of years.

The Leafs simply won’t be in a position to add a top-end RHD without severely detracting from their strength in numbers at forward, they will not do that, especially not for a terrible player like Rasmus Ristolainen.