Toronto Maple Leafs: Hard-To-Swallow Pills For Every NHL Fanbase

Central Division

Arizona Coyotes: So, explain it to me again, why exactly is Auston Matthews going to leave the mecca of hockey? Why would he willing leave a team who will be perennial contenders for the next decade or more, for a team that doesn’t sell out their arena except for the one night a season that he visits?

Chicago Blackhawks: With everything happening in the world today, don’t you think it’s time to update the logo to be a little less racist? I’d suggest changing the team name, but I don’t wanna be burned at the stake by rabid traditionalists.

Colorado Avalanche: The Rocky Mountain Extreme would’ve been a better name. It’s dumb, yeah, but think of the puns.

Dallas Stars: Jamie Benn has a personal view that is too NSFW for me to directly reference. I just want to say that he is wrong. If you know you know, if you don’t, Google it on your own time.

Minnesota Wild: For the “State of Hockey” this is a pretty boring team. Literally, everything is a snooze fest. The play, the team name, the colors, the fact that they retired a number for the fans. I literally forget they’re in the league most of the time.

Nashville Predators: Raise another banner that says “Most Pointless Banners.”

St. Louis Blues: The Cup doesn’t happen without the Buffalo Sabres making one of the stupidest trades in the history of the NHL, which says more about them than you, but nevertheless.

Winnipeg Jets: Matthews and Laine were never comparable. Matthews is the superior player in every way imaginable. Let it go.