Toronto Maple Leafs mascot Carlton The Bear just earned some brownie points for not being as terrifying as Gritty, the NHL’s newest mascot.
The Toronto Maple Leafs and the rest of the NHL are going to run out of the Wells Fargo Arena screaming when they visit the Philadelphia Flyers this season. The Flyers unveiled their first mascot since the short-lived “Slapshot” mascot in the 1970s. His name is Gritty, and he is downright terrifying. [Editor’s Note: He is the best thing to ever happen to the NHL and the greatest mascot in sports history].
Excuse me while I go find a new pair of underwear.
Whatever member of the Flyers organization who thought making this fever dream of hair and bulging eyeballs the child friendly face of the team should be evaluated. [Editor’s Note: We think he should get a promotion]. In no world should a mascot like Gritty exist. There are so many aspects wrong with him that it’s enough to write an entire analysis about his look and even his back story.
Gritty: The New Face of Fear
Physically Gritty has many noticeable features that will be making their way into your nightmares tonight. There’s the smile, which may not sound unusual for a mascot but the wide open hole on the mascot’s face could be used to swallow children whole and suck out souls like a Dementor in ‘Harry Potter’. It doesn’t say “Look how happy I am!”, it screams “Look how tasty you are!”.
The eyes are what stick out to me. Not the bulging of the eyes necessarily, although the eyes stick out so far that you can see them when he looks up, but the movement of them. They move and loop around every time he takes a step. They honestly look like the eyes of Judge Doom in the finale of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”. The way they move is just an unsettling sight, like how people are afraid that jello can wiggle on its own.
What’s even worse is his back story on the Flyers website. Apparently ol’ Gritty here was in a secret hideout inside the Wells Fargo Arena that was disturbed by recent construction inside the building. Is that why Flyers fans are so intense? Is it because they know some big-mouthed monster is going to jump out of his hideout if they aren’t passionate enough? Do the Toronto Maple Leafs need to bring a sacrifice to appease the new mascot the next time they travel?
Everything about Gritty is wrong. His skating is wrong, in the video from before it looks like he’s striding out of the darkness to kill you. His face is wrong, he looks like a googly-eyed gremlin that has come to consume your entire body into his gaping mouth. Even his performance is wrong! This is from his debut with the Flyers last night!
The Toronto Maple Leafs need to prepare themselves the next time they head to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The Flyers may not have realized it, but they have unveiled the most terrifying creation this league has seen in decades.
If Mike Babcock was smart, he would bring crosses and have every player baptized for their next road trip to the “City of Brotherly Love”.