The Toronto Maple Leafs have made a magnificent comeback.
Down 3-1, the Toronto Maple Leafs have drawn the series even and will look to advance tonight by beating the Boston Bruins.
Game Seven can be a stressful affair, so you best get prepared. Here’s how you do it.
Day Time Strategy
If you’re Mike Babcock, you tell Leo Komarov he’s not playing.
For everyone else:
Set your work expectations low. You know you’re not getting much done – it’s essentially the Thursday before a four day weekend.
The main task for today at work is to prepare the boss for your inevitable absence tomorrow. If you’re smart, you’ve been laying down hints that you’re getting sick for the last couple of days. If that’s the case, then take the final step, at about 2 PM, of going to the bathroom and blasting your face with the hand dryer. Now that you’re all red and sweaty, go tell your boss you gotta bail early and probably won’t be coming in tomorrow. If he doesn’t follow hockey, or know you well, you’re golden.
If you are a known Leafs fan, you’ll have to try to take a sick day or holiday in advance, because they’re gonna know why you’re late or absent tomorrow.
Once you leave work, proceed directly to the Beer Store. We recommend a local Toronto themed beer for tonight, like Steam Whistle. (At his point, if you’re drinking Samuel Adams that’s high-treason, dawg!)
Note that if you leave work at 5 and go to the beer store, you’re going to be there a while. A smart playa has asked his wife to pick up his beer while he’s at work.
Pre Game Strategy
You probably won’t be too hungry, so order a pizza that you can eat as necessary. The key to the pre-game ritual is to have everything done by 7PM so that you don’t have to tape delay the game.
Pro Tip: Never, ever, DVR a playoff game. Some jackass will text you when the Leafs score, or you’ll pop out for a pre-game smoke (if that’s your thing) and you’ll hear your neighbors screaming. You don’t want that.
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Also, the Rogers remote has a design flaw where LIVE and FF are directly on top of each other, so it’s way too easy to try and skip a commercial and end up Live, having missed a natural Mitch Marner hattrick.
If you do have to tape delay the game, put your phone in a cupboard and employ full radio silence.
Before the game starts, you gotta crank some music to get yourself pumped up. I recommend something like the Clash or the Gang of Four, but listen to your heart.
In Game Strategy
Drink. Yell at the TV. Punch the cat. Cheer or Boo as necessary. You don’t need to me to tell you what to do here. One tip though: keep the remote nearby so you can mute it if Dave Poulin somehow ends up on the broadcast.
Post Game Strategy
Pretend it isn’t a Wednesday, for starters. Now drink your remaining beers to either drown your sorrows or celebrate your good fortune. Warn your wife in advance that you’re probably going to be playing loud music into the early hours of the morning, then fall asleep on the couch and show up at work at about 11 AM. Don’t forget to apologize to the cat (this is getting oddly specific).
Next: Maple Leafs Should Watch the Greyhounds
The main thing is, have fun. Yell a lot. Try not to enrage your neighbor Ron (he really didn’t like the volume at which I watched Titanic on the weekend). Remember, if the Leafs win, they are the greatest team of all time. If they lose, it’s because of a bad schedule, an unfair seeding format and terrible referees.
Got it?
Go Leafs!