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Toronto Maple Leafs: The Roast of the Atlantic Division

By Mike Stephens

LAS VEGAS, NV - JUNE 21: Auston Matthews of the Toronto Maple Leafs poses after winning the Calder Memorial Trophy (Rookie of the Year) during the 2017 NHL Awards and Expansion Draft at T-Mobile Arena on June 21, 2017 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
LAS VEGAS, NV - JUNE 21: Auston Matthews of the Toronto Maple Leafs poses after winning the Calder Memorial Trophy (Rookie of the Year) during the 2017 NHL Awards and Expansion Draft at T-Mobile Arena on June 21, 2017 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images) /
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TAMPA, FL – SEPTEMBER 24: Tampa Bay Lightning defenseman Dan Girardi (5) in action during the NHL preseason game between the Florida Panthers and Tampa Bay Lightning on September 24, 2017, at Amalie Arena in Tampa, FL. (Photo by Mark LoMoglio/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)
TAMPA, FL – SEPTEMBER 24: Tampa Bay Lightning defenseman Dan Girardi (5) in action during the NHL preseason game between the Florida Panthers and Tampa Bay Lightning on September 24, 2017, at Amalie Arena in Tampa, FL. (Photo by Mark LoMoglio/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images) /

Tampa Bay Lightning

Notable Adds: Dan Girardi, Chris Kunitz, Mikhail Sergachev, Their entire roster back from injury.

Notable Losses: Jonthan Drouin.

The Lightning signed Dan Girardi to a two-year deal which pays him $3 million per season. The only thing that Dan Girardi can still accomplish at an NHL-level is block shots. So, basically, Tampa is paying Dan Girardi $3 million a season to get pelted with hockey pucks. They could have bought a mannequin for $30 and it would have done the exact same thing.

Heck, I’ll do it for half.

The Lightning irk me for one singular reason. They are just so gosh darn good. At the trade deadline, these guys actually sold and still finished one point out of the playoffs! Come on, that’s ridiculous.

Jonathan Drouin requested a trade in 2015 because he felt that being demoted to the AHL at age 20 was unfair. Hey J-Dog, Kasperi Kapanen would love to have a word with you about handling unfair demotions. And yet, faced with the type of situation that literally every single NHL GM would have botched, Steve Yzerman spun it into a 50 point season from Drouin, and then Mikhail Sergachev. How do you turn an unproven player’s trade request into a bonafide top defensive prospect? That’s just masterful. Kudos to you, Stevie Y.

The only thing I can really fault the Lightning for is that their arena must have been built on top of an ancient burial ground. There’s seriously no possible way to see that many of your key players get injured so frequently without it being the work of ghosts. Alternatively, considering they’re in Florida, maybe all the Lightning players got attacked by gators and the team covered it up. I don’t know, but it’s gotten to the point where “ghosts or gators” are left as the only logical explanations. At least Dan Girardi can block them both.

Alas, there are no further negative things I can write about the Lightning. All jokes aside, they might be the best team in the NHL.

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